The Thinking Squirrel

A return

2011-12-15T07:58:00.002+13:00

I am back!

I was on hiatus as i started a travel blog and knew my family would be reading it, so I hid this one from my profile and forgot about it. (!) I've now created a separate profile for the travel blog, so I can return to my true form on this blog.

HURRAH.

An outlet!

I have been in England now for over 70 days and I only know one person besides my husband. One person to talk to, and a husband who is grieved by my constant ear-bashing. So, blog, I have returned to use you for my evil purposes.

I am a little bit lonely, and a little bit disappointed in the UK, and a little bit bored. I have decided I want to be a historian and to spend my days in research, but it is proving difficult to find a job - or work out other ways to make a living - doing that. Sometimes I feel elated, like today when I visited a big Waterstone's book shop that was like a giant geek mecca. Seeing all those books about history inspires me that maybe I could write one. That history does matter, and it makes me feel alive, which a slug like me needs. And other days I just can't be bothered with the hassle of carving a niche for myself, of searching for something different, of trying to be confident enough to try and sell myself.

I haven't been very brave over the past year and a bit. The earthquakes really took a chunk out of my confidence and security and self-belief. At uni in 2010 I almost felt whole - I found where I belong, and, for once, I felt really successful and really clever. It felt good to get A's and to be told "you're good enough". I've spent so much of this last year feeling scared and not good enough and hiding away in my living room where I felt a little more secure than I did in the rest of Christchurch.

And now I'm struggling to recover from that. We've taken on this new adventure to England, and it's not as safe and secure and homely as I expected. It is expensive and dirty and full of people who I'm scared of or who can't understand me (and I, them). And now I have to get back into the swing of earning money, and I really want to do something I love, but the question is - have I got the self-belief to do it?

Life, huh? Many challenges, few easy solutions.

Not this year, sorry.

2011-05-04T16:41:00.001+12:00

I hate mother's day - it always evokes negative feelings, rather than happy ones. My mother always tried to force love and respect from us on mother's day, and thus it actually became a very difficult day for our family, rather than a special one.

We couldn't do anything right. If we made breakfast, we got yelled at for not making lunch. If we did the dishes for the day, mother cried because she'd had to cook. If we didn't get the right present, chosen from her precise list, then there were tears and tantrums. If my mother had to lift a finger on mother's day, then she was somehow less respected than the other mothers, her family less caring, and her life more burdensome.

Sometimes, if we were particularly unlucky, it would all go pear shaped and we would get the full monty. We would hear all about what failures we were, how we were such a horrible family, how we would send our mother to an asylum. She would storm out of the house and we were never sure when she would come back.

I'm not saying we were perfect: we were probably rather lazy and uncommitted. But that's not the way to go about loving your kids and gaining their respect. In my opinion, a good mother's day would include acceptance and grace and appreciation for however your family tries to love you. When love becomes conditional, and becomes about ritual and meeting some unspoken set of criteria, then it's not really love, but duty. And the danger with this is that any love that does exist can become resentment.

Whenever it gets to that time of year when all your junk mail and spam emails shout "EVERYTHING FOR MUM", "SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR SOMEONE SPECIAL", "TREAT MUM ON HER SPECIAL DAY" all I want to do is snarl and rip it all up with my spittle-covered teeth. You can't buy love. You can't force love. You can't hurt others in the name of love.

If you love your mum and she loves you, you don't need to pander to some stupid day to prove it. And just because you don't buy into the dictates of consumerism doesn't mean you love each other any less.

This year, I won't be celebrating mother's day. I've tried so hard every other year, and I'm tired. Love should be reciprocal. I know it isn't always, and I know the Christlike thing is to love regardless, but this year I'm afraid the stretch is too great. If you're always going to come up short then there comes a time when you decide to try a little less.

I'm sick of coming up short.

2010-11-18T12:53:00.003+13:00

Why is everyone having babies?

I hate babies. Well 'hate' is a strong word. I don't like babies! I want lots of carefree, irresponsible, fun friends. Not friends with babies and other children! Bring back the rock and roll.

And I don't want children. So if everyone could please stop harrassing me about having kids that would be swell.

Have your own stinkin bebees. Oh wait, you are! All of you!

I'm off to do what I want when I want. Hurrah for ~~the tv~~ liberty!

This is my planet too

2010-10-30T08:46:00.003+13:00

It's hard work saving the world....

My inlaws live on a farm, and throw all their rubbish (plastic, cardboard, glass - anything) in a pit in the ground and bury it. When we go camping with them, the campground even sorts its rubbish into 'brown glass', 'green glass', plastic Number 6', etc, but the inlaws prefer to chuck all their rubbish in a bag and throw it in the pit when they get home.

I am the person who, by hand, went through a rubbish bag full of plastic cups, plates, and, well, rubbish, after a work function last year in order to get out the recyclable stuff and put it in my recycling bin.

It really hurts me to see people living this way, espeically people in the older generation, who will die in the next 10-30 years, and this is the legacy they are leaving my generation. Thanks a bunch, gran.

It also really hurts me when these people are Christian. How are we caring for our bodies, our families, the world around us by consuming so much, wasting so much, caring so little for our future and our planet?

So this morning I suggested to the in-laws that "we" collect the recyclable waste and take it down to the town's recycling plant once a week. (Yes, just 15 minutes away from their house is a full recycling plant!!).

Stony silence. Icy looks. Then a 15 minute lecture about how I should look in my own backyard first, or start with the people who have a problem. Because there's nothing wrong with the way we do things, thank you very much.

Well I sure hope that at least a seed has been planted. That the angry reaction was a sign that I'd touched a raw nerve. Because I certainly wasn't criticising them or being rude, and yet they reacted quite badly. It's been pretty hard shutting my mouth for the 5+ weeks I've been here, but I'm glad I spoke up once.

I just can't digest this legacy we're leaving - farmers all over our country with piles and piles of rubbish buried under the ground. Factories discharging into rivers. Every product we buy wrapped in an acre of packaging that we then have to dispose of.

How do we buy out? Where can I get off?

Quake of Doom

2010-09-21T11:24:00.004+12:00

Earthquakes suck.

But on the bright side (yes! there is one!) all my assignments are now due on October 22nd. I have three essays of 4500 words, and my dissertation of 8000 words still to go....

I've been at the ~~house of pain~~ inlaws' for 1.5 weeks trying to escape the evil aftershocks, and there are some cool pictures here that you should look at. (DO IT!) Now I'm back at Uni, frantically trying to catch up on assignments. I actually got a few hours sleep last night, and didn't even feel any aftershocks!! (there weren't any, but that's not the point)

It sucks to be married to an engineer... I get no sympathy! ("If the house was going to fall over, it would have already done so") (well thanks, that's highly reassuring!)
hehe

Onwards and upwards! (except you, ground.)

Edit: If you're a rubbernecker you can look here for Scary Earthquake Pictures Here are the Scary Pictures

Go the All Whites!

2010-06-17T10:24:00.003+12:00

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Big ups to University for having their holidays coincide with the World Cup! Hehe. So far I've watched England v USA, Algeria v Slovenia, Serbia v Ghana, Germany v Australia (And with this one, I'd like to remind you that the Aussies lost 0-4....) (Yes yes, Germany were on fine form, but that is mere detail), Nederlands v Denmark, Italy v Paraguay, New Zealand v Slovakia, Cote d'Ivoire v Portugal, Brazil v DPR Korea, Honduras v Chile, and in a few minutes Spain v Switzerland will begin....

Beautiful!

But the problem now is trying to fit in study at the same time... With 2 weeks of holidays nearly gone, and there's only more footy to come...

Anyway, time for ~~more football watching~~ study now!

(and I'd like to add - if people are still grousing about the 'All Whites' being a racist name... what about the 'All Blacks'?!?!)

More tasty food

2010-06-06T18:50:00.003+12:00

Last week husband made creme brulee (!!) for dinner/bible study we have with some friends (same place the strudels went), and so we had six egg whites left over. I didn't want to just throw out the egg whites, so I invited my parents and grandparents over for afternoon tea and fed them pavlova!

As you can see, it's looking a bit worse for wear by this stage, but you get the idea :)

Strudel Strudel Strudel!

2010-05-12T15:53:00.006+12:00

In an ode to "Mrs Cake", I decided to document my dessert making process this afternoon. Today's tasty treat is Strudel. (And yes, that word is fun to say, especially with a German accent. Strudel, Strudel, Strudel.) Anyway the saddest part for you is that you can't see the end product all cut up and tasty looking - as its not being eaten until about 8pm tonight. "But it smells so goood," I hear you say. Yes, yes it does. And I'm ~~going to eat some now~~ put it aside until later... Toodles!

(My attempt to show the steam coming off the top... Damn it looks ~~tasty!~~ elegant and sophisticated!)

2010-04-29T10:04:00.002+12:00

There are 11.6 million children in sub-saharan Africa who have been left orphans as a result of Aids
1.1 billion people in the developing world don't have access to an adequate water supply
1500 women die PER DAY while giving birth
Half of the world's 2.2 billion children live below the poverty line
Approximately 1.2 million children are trafficked EACH YEAR
Finally: 10.5 million children in the developing world die before their fifth birthday

And we sit in our comfortable houses, or we buy that second car, or we drink that extra large frappuccino, or we go on our overseas holidays, or we give our children birthday parties with bouncy castles, or we buy the fancy camera with all the extra features, or we fly to another city for a two hour meeting....

And we can still look each other in the eye like it doesn't matter.

2010-04-20T10:23:00.003+12:00

Its a shame this blog isn't more interesting, really. And I had such high hopes for it. Perhaps it was just that I got boring?
(Thats not a question for you to answer)
Everyone else seems to find the time to write witty anecdotes or tasty recipes or sensual poetry, but I find myself devoid of creativity. Devoid of effort, of caring, of knowing what defines me anymore.
I spend most of my days at home, working on assignments, and when I'm not doing that, I'm sleeping. And, perhaps sadly, thats not a euphemism.

Who am I now? I'm not the funny girl, the cute girl, the girl talking in a circle of friends. I can't be bothered to go out anymore, and when I do, I find I'm easily bored or intimidated. Usually both. I don't care about small talk, or topics that don't interest me, and I've lost my smile.
You know, the bubbly one that overflowed into laughter and thoughts of squirrels or foxes or fun things to do. I'm too cynical, too lazy, too deep. And increasingly I find myself questioning how it is that we end up living the lives we do: the choices we make to get here, the boxes we feel confined to, the laws that society or religion dictates for us and we rigidly abide by.

However, the one area in which I'm non-conformist draws me back in and reminds me that I have a deadline in two weeks. A deadline for five assignments that all must be finished, and well, if I'm to stick it to the man in the manner I wish to.

Great scott, its great socks!

2009-09-11T13:20:00.003+12:00

And in other, perhaps less interesting, news: I AM WEARING A T-SHIRT!! The first since April! w00t! Bring on Summer!!

And while I'm talking about clothes, I got some great socks last weekend - bought seven pairs in one go (Husband was horrified...): one woolen pair (The first pair of kids' woollen socks I've found, sadly, in Spring), five long-ish pairs (yay for Kmart and their size 13-3 kids socks), and three ankle socks (yay for Farmers kids socks - they have cool pictures of cows on them). Hurrah. The long-ish pairs are great - I can actually walk in them! Most pairs of womens socks are "one size fits all" (it doesn't) and I can't walk much without my feet slipping around in them - does anyone else have that problem?? So I buy kids socks, but sometimes they have tight tops, as I guess they're made for smaller cankles than mine =P Anyway, these Kmart ones are great!

Okay - enough about socks!

Workplace discontent

2009-09-11T11:47:00.002+12:00

In the past week, I've read some very interesting articles about the current workplace climate and, in particular, research into the effect that Bosses are having on their workers at this time.

The first is from Hudson, a recruitment agency, about how during the current downturn, employees are feeling concerned, distressed, and disgruntled but employers are totally missing this. The article talks about how Businesses are concerned even more with increasing productivity, but this means workers are working harder and longer hours, and end up feeling annoyed or stressed - not good for workplace relations. In the study quoted in the article, 32% of employees surveyed said that they felt their employers considered them lucky to even have a job, so they didn't need to recognise or reward the work employees are doing. This is leading to resentment, which, in turn, means that employees are increasingly seeking new jobs and are willing to leave their current job as soon as a better opportunity comes up.

The second article is from Stuff today, and talks about the idea that Bosses are reverting to a "1950s-style" management, where they are spending more time "bossing" their staff around than engaging with them. Bosses are employing cost-cutting measures like eliminating staff priviledges (such as coffee or biscuits) yet are still receiving comfortable pay packets and bonuses themselves. This is having the effect of alienating employees, making them feel unvalued. Also interestingly, this article briefly mentions Bosses who are now unwilling to receive input from those lower down the chain, resulting in the feeling of employees that Bosses see them as needing close supervision or don't trust them.

I feel like I've seen examples from both articles in my own workplace, and it seems like it is a common thing for Bosses not to notice how employees are feeling a bit alienated or undervalued at this time. I'm sure Dilbert would have something to say about soul-less managers who are oblivious to employee sentiment. In fact, here or maybe here or maybe even here. You know, Dilbert has something for every disgruntled employee moment, this also is applicable, as is this and even this. Oh wait - that one was not related, just funny.

Anway, I'm getting distracted. The point is, work places and bosses aren't opening their eyes to see employee discontent and stress in a time that is already difficult for all. If you show your employees you value them even more during a trying time than usual, they will really respect that - and will probably give the greater productivity you were hoping for by cutting hours/pay/biscuits and critically supervising their every move. Funny, isn't it.

when mauling by tigers would be a good punishment

2009-05-30T10:12:00.003+12:00

So I saw "the lion man craig bush" on tv last night, speaking about how sad he was that his favourite tiger had had the misfortune of eating a keeper, and it made me think....

How come he's still respected after being convicted for assaulting his partner?

Tony Veitch, in comparison, has been totally taken down by the media, his employers, and the public.

I don't think that what Tony Veitch did was right, but how come there's such a fuss about what he did, but no one makes a fuss about the thousands of other NZ men that bash their wifes too.

What if their faces were all paraded on tv and people stalked them with cameras and microphones trying to get a good story?

Mr Veitch is certainly a sorry mess after this kind of treatment, and losing his jobs, and all that.
If only the other wife beaters out there would feel that kind of shame and despair over their stupid actions.

ignorance

2009-05-29T13:04:00.000+12:00

I think New Zealand is in a hole. We really are the antipodes, and to be honest, kiwis are pretty good at ignoring what's going on outside of these poetically named North and South islands.

And I think we use that as an excuse to forget about some of the less desirable things that are happening in the rest of the world.

Me especially.

As part of my passion for history, I love learning about war, especially World War Two, and the Holocaust.
Okay - can't be bothered typing a lot, I'm not going to be a procrastinator today - What I want to say is that lately in my research for a course, I've been checking out overseas newspapers, and i am so so amazed at what doesn't make the news here.

I didn't really know that there was a sort of war going on in Sri Lanka at the moment - I'd heard that there were troubles with the militant group, Tamil Tigers, but other than that?
Okay, so I checked a "real" newspaper (as opposed to my usual stuff.co.nz) and saw this which is well worth checking out, especially the video clip at the top.

If I care about the Holocaust, I need to care about modern day examples of genocide and war crimes.
I don't want my geographic isolation to be an excuse for inaction and ignorance.

2009-05-29T13:03:00.000+12:00

Hello new blog!